Continuing Insanity, or, Phases of New Moon

Argument

The last installment of this series attempted to explain how a seemingly normal (although my wife would challenge me being “normal”) guy would be compelled to enter the tween land of Twilight, and all of the fun that entailed. This installment won’t deal as much with the devilish claw of Stephanie Meyer reaching out of the pages of a book and clutching your throat and twisting and choking you and casting you down into the fiery pits of vampire hell, causing you to behave in seemingly insane ways. No, this review won’t discuss all of the ludicrous behavior reading this series makes you partake in (staying up late to read, reading while you’re being paid to work, etc). No, I will try to keep this review of New Moon succinctly in line with a discussion of the events of the book, and an ordinary reader’s reaction.

Waxing Crescent

New Moon picks up more or less right where Twilight left off. After the confrontation with James (for some reason this happened in Phoenix, AZ), Bella and Edward find themselves back in Forks, just living the dream. Our favorite vampire Edward continues to spend every night with Bella. Edward’s ability to charm cougar administrators at school leads to Bella and Edward sharing every class together, usually sitting in the back and quibbling over who loves who more all day at school.

Our Bella is close to turning eighteen and Alice (by far the best and most reasonable character in the series) throws Bella a big romp at Cullen Manor. Well, wouldn’t you know it, we’re in need of a plot moving device. Obviously, it’s not going to be rainbows and butterflies for EC and Bella. Bella cuts her finger on wrapping paper, Jasper goes for the jugular, Edward tackles him, and Bella is back to moping around.

All of the trials and tribulations that have happened over the last 500 pages have been overcome by our characters. This one, for some reason (hint, hint, we are in desperate need of a plotline), is too much for EC to handle, and he feels he must break it off with Bella.

So Edward, how about you and Bella have a very serious discussion about how you both need to be more careful and take extra precautions when you’re around the family? That would probably work. I am thinking maybe a 30-45 minute discussion would suffice. Oh, wait, we need a plot. OK, why do you go ahead and lead her out into the woods, tell her you’ll never see her again, and put her in a catatonic state on the forest floor with no one around. Yes, that sounds much more reasonable, not to mention, we’ve got our plot!

Then we get five or six pages that remind us of the order that months go in our calendar: October, November, December, January, etc…

First Quarter

Enter douchebag werewolf, stage right. I would like to sum up the next 250 pages with a haiku:

I love you, Bella

Vampires are poopy

You belong with me.

The poem above was more riveting than the middle 250 pages of this book.

Waxing Gibbous

Bella jumps off a cliff. Silly Alice sees this as a suicide attempt. Our Edward finds out and decides to off himself too. That’s right Bella, if you kill yourself, I will kill myself back. Don’t try to one-up me, bitch.

Jokes aside, by this point, I really was feeling strong empathy for these characters. The whole book, while boring, kept you intrigued because you were just begging for Bella and Edward to reunite. At this point, we enter the best 100 pages of the entire series. Edward really believes Bella is dead and his pain is great enough to end his own life. A suitable homage to Romeo and Juliet. Bella travels with Alice to Volterra, Italy, to show EC that she’s still alive.

I was taken by the scene of Bella running across the palazzo to Edward. I also thought it was a nice touch for Edward to believe he was dreaming when he sees Bella, but I was hoping for a little m ore dramatic of a reunion. It would have been more powerful if EC had been screaming “Please let this be real!”

We also get to learn about the Volturi. Meyer does an excellent job lending credibility to her story be creating a surprisingly engaging history of the oldest vampires on earth. We learn about each vampire’s power, and of their only rule: don’t reveal yourself. I honestly have nothing snide to say about this whole section of the book.

The Volturi agree to let Bella and Edward leave if Edward promises to make Bella into a vampire. He agrees, and they’re let off the hook. As they leave, a group of tourists including an old woman wearing a Rosary enter the Volturi chamber to become food for the vampires. I was honestly horrified by this. Well done, Steph. The contrast between the evil Volturi and the peaceful Cullen Coven leads to that much more empathy with what Carlisle has created with his family. You don’t get a feeling for just how good the Cullens are until you see just how bad “other” vampires are.

Full Moon

Edward and Bella make it back to Forks, they’re in love again, and we come up to one of the best lines in all the series. “I wish someone had been there to vote “no” for me.”

Edward asks Bella to marry him, and she says yes, even though her womanly desires for that granite manhood make it hard for her to resist. Also, that pesky werewolf is still around. Hey Jacob, you’re nothing but a plot device and nobody likes you, please leave.

Last Quarter

This book was good. If not for that douchebag werewolf and the 250 pages of nothingness and filler, it would have been better than good. Unfortunately, Meyer insists on making a 250 page story into a 500 page one, and it collapses under it’s own weight.

Final Grade: A-

Final Thought: Meyer shows promise, but fails due to the fact that she refuses to let the two best characters share the stage enough. Think of The Dark Knight. The best scenes of that movie are when the Joker and Batman are on screen together. The same goes for this book, but there simply wasn’t enough stage time for Edward and Bella together.