Vaclav Havel

The post-totalitarian system touches people at every step, but it does so with its ideological gloves on. This is why life in the system is so thoroughly permeated with hypocrisy and lies: government by bureaucracy is called popular government; the working class is enslaved in the name of the working class; the complete degradation of the individual is presented as his ultimate liberation; depriving people of information is called making it available; the use of power to manipulate is called the public control of power, and the arbitrary abuse of power is called observing the legal code; the repression of culture is called its development; the expansion of imperial influence is presented as support for the oppressed; the lack of free expression becomes the highest form of freedom; farcical elections become the highest form of democracy; banning independent thought becomes the most scientific of world views; military occupation becomes fraternal assistance. Because the regime is captive to its own lies, it must falsify everything. It falsifies the past. It falsifies the present, and it falsifies the future. It falsifies statistics. It pretends not to possess an omnipotent and unprincipled police apparatus. It pretends to respect human rights. It pretends to persecute no one. It pretends to fear nothing. It pretends to pretend nothing.

Map of Rome

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Waking Sunrise

The story of us,

It always starts the same,

With a boy and a girl

And a hope and a dream!

…and a dream!

…and a dream!

…and a dream!

--Stefani Germanotta

Argument

Hello, it’s me again, that twenty-six year old married professional that dared to enter tween land and brave the Twilight Saga. Just as a warning, this review is going to be long, mostly because I was impressed with Stephanie Meyer’s ability to make her writing mean something.

In almost all circumstances, I am a big proponent of following your gut when it comes to book series like these, so let me tell you a little bit about my gut feeling on the whole Twiligh thing.

I figured that this entire twenty-three hundred page series would consist of dancing and prancing around tween land, never containing any real semblance of a plot, character development, depth, theme, or meaning. Regularly, I ridiculed the series; making fun of how “gaga” all the ladies were going over it. The lines for the movies were 99.9% female from the ages of 8-14. Basically, every possible reason that a mid-twenties male would not like this series was present. I was, for the most part, correct in my assumptions, until I hit page two-thousand. But we will have more on that later.

We’ve come so far together, so before we delve into the fourth installment of the series; it’s prudent to take a look at where we’ve been. In brief:

Twilight: A new girl at school meets a boy with a secret. They fall in gaga love, frolic around for a bit, and at the end, almost as an aside, an antagonist is introduced to provide conflict and what could be mistakenly construed as a plot. Boy saves girl from bad guy, they go back to school with love, love, and extra love.

New Moon: Bad boy decides he is a threat to girl and leaves. This gives us time for douchebag to enter, stage-right. New guy is friendly with girl. Ridiculous plot leads to girl going to save boy, they survive. Lot’s more love between the two.

Eclipse: We haven’t atoned for our sins in the first book, and it comes back to haunt us. Lot’s of bad guys come to kill boy and girl. Dumb girl decides she loves douchbag as well as bad boy. We win the fight with the help of douchbag’s friends. Bad boy is somehow OK with girl’s love for douchbag and they decide it’s time to get married.

I don’t think it is too far of a stretch to say that the above three books were just a little bit silly. Sure, there were glimmers of good writing, especially in New Moon, but the entire series was, overall, two characters in lovey-dovey land, with random challenges arbitrarily introduced to give Edward and Bella opportunities to reunite and return to Loveland once again. We had an entire character, Jacob, which had absolutely nothing to do with the advancement of any plot in any book. Therefore, the first three books could be described as tedious, with just enough conflict to keep our Bella and Edward apart for long enough for you to root for them to get back together.

Breaking Dawn was broken into three books, so it seems reasonable for this final review to also be broken into three parts. Without further ado…

Honeymoon Destinations Not as Cool as Greece

Breaking Dawn began with the wedding of the century taking place at Cullen Manor. My favorite character, Alice, does all the preparations, and of course, Bella is embarrassed again. We get yet another confrontation with Jacob that ends with him howling in pain as Edward and Bella drive off. I know, we were all hoping that Jacob could quit acting the part of the poor “nice-guy” in high school that got led on by the hot chick, but never could seal the deal with her. Well, Jacob, 1500 pages in and you are still that same guy that can’t take a hint, even when the object of your desire GETS FUCKING MARRIED. Oh well, he played the part so well for so long, I guess we were owed one more temper tantrum from him, “What do you mean you’re gonna have sex with your husband on your honeymoon, Bella? Waaaaaaaaa-waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!”

Edward and Bella make their way to a remote island off the coast of Brazil. And finally, our buddy, E-Cizzle does what we all wanted him to do about three books ago – he seals the deal with Bells. First, bruises all over her body. Second, broken headboard. Third, well, you get the picture. Meyer does a good job of straddling the fine line between describing raunchy teenage de-virginization in detail and respecting the fact that her target audience isn’t even sure what’s going on for this whole part of the book.

Two weeks into the honeymoon, Bells is late for her period, which begs the question, what was Edward doing the last three books when Bells was getting her period? Her blood is supposed to be irresistible and all, wouldn’t he have a hard time being around her?. This is a plot hole that I am more than willing to ignore.

We all know what missing your period means – PREGNANT! That’s right kids, don’t have sex until you’re married because you’re gonna get pregnant the first time you ever have sex, so you better be a good married Latter Day Saint!

You Mean I Am Going to Have to Read a Whole Section of This Book from This Douchebag’s Point of View?

Book Two is told from the first-person perspective of Jacob, and I honestly don’t remember a whole lot of what happened at this part. First, the wolves decide to kill the Cullens, then they don’t. Then Jacob breaks off to be his own alpha-dog. There is some girl named Leah that does something I can’t remember. Jacob goes on patrol. Bella is pregnant and wants to drink blood to satiate the baby’s hunger. Jacob goes on patrol again. The baby breaks some of Bella’s ribs. Carlisle is concerned. Edward isn’t sure what he’s going to do and is distraught. Jacob goes on patrol yet again.

And then, WHAM! Edward performs an emergency Caesarian Section with his fucking teeth and Jacob falls in love with the newborn child. Awesome.

Edward makes Bella into a vampire to save her life. I am interested in seeing how they make Kristen Stewart look when she’s a vampire. Also, the newborn is named “Reneesme Carlie Cullen.” (Clever, clever!) This means, if Sarah and I have a daughter, she should be named “Nancigail Dougary Boyea.” What do you guys think?

At this point, I was certain that the silliness of the first three books was going to continue through the fourth and culminate with a climax that would make Blake Hurta (cheeseburgers!) look normal. I was wrong… Blake still looks weird in comparison to this… (BTW, this is a test to see if Blake actually reads these reviews, because wouldn’t it be great if Blake would bite the bullet and read the series?????????)

Stop Teasing Me, Stephanie, this Book Isn’t Really that Good, Is It?

So, I will spare you the plot points, but making a young child into a vampire is super-duper bad. Unfortunately, the Volturi seem to think Reneesme is one of these children. So guess what, they are gonna come take care of fucking business and kill her.

I would be willing to bet that the rest of my audience didn’t like the next couple-hundred pages. It consists mainly of seeking out other vampires to help with the Cullen’s cause. I, however, found this fascinating – finding out what powers other vampires had, their back stories and motivations (especially the Romanians). I could understand where this part might get boring, but I loved it.

It is also revealed that Bella has quite an extraordinary gift of “shielding.” Obviously, her lowly spot of a girl with such a low self-image up to this point was for a reason. It would actually be Bella, the girl that was so worried about how miniscule and accident-prone she was the whole series that would be poised to make the singular difference.

There are a couple of things set up at this point of the book that cause a real emotional reaction. First, Alice leaves the group without saying why. Alice had been my favorite character throughout the whole saga, and even though I knew she would probably be back, I was still sad to see her go. Second, Alice has Bella go see a man named J. Jenks to get fake birth certificates for Reneesme and Jacob. The sad aspect of this part will come in later.

The Cullen’s are surprisingly successful at bringing other vampires to come “witness” for the fact that Reneesme is not, in fact, an Immortal Child, and therefore should be spared the wrath of the Volturi. Lots of allies show up, and for a moment you really feel like the Cullens, in with the help of the wolves, have a chance at this thing. It should be easy, right, just have Reneesme use her special gift of letting others see her thoughts and it should be all said and done…

It is at this point that Meyer actually crosses the line between tween writing and good writing, even though it only lasted for about 150 pages.

The stage is set for the showdown. The Cullens have assembled a group of nineteen witnesses to the fact that Reneesme is not an Immortal Child, but a hybrid that actually grows and matures.

And so we enter the best part of the whole series. A caution: you all know I try to be witty and poke fun at these books in these reviews. Unfortunately, because I actually thought this part was good, it was very hard to be funny. The remainder probably won’t make you laugh…

The Volturi arrive, complete with the full guard and all of the wives. Unfortunately, they also arrive with about fifty of their own “witnesses.” Edward realized that should the confrontation become a fight, there is no way for the Cullens to win. The only hope is that the Volturi can be swayed by Reneesme. Aro is the first to speak to Edward and asks to be introduced to his daughter. He agrees that she is not a threat and that no crime has been committed. It soon becomes apparent, however, that the Volturi aren’t really interested in justice, but rather only interested in power. They view Reneesme as an unknown, and therefore a threat to their control. The pinnacle of Meyer’s writing is summed up in the vampire Garret’s speech to the Volturi:

"But some of us wondered"—his eyes flashed to Eleazars face—"if Carlisle having truth on his side would be enough to stop the so-called justice. Are the Volturi here to protect the safety of our secrecy, or to protect their own power? Did they come to destroy an illegal creation, or a way of life? Could they be satisfied when the danger turned out to be no more than a misunderstanding? Or would they push the issue without the excuse of justice?

"We have the answer to all these questions. We heard it in Aro's lying words—we have one with a gift of knowing such things for certain—and we see it now in Caius's eager smile. Their guard is just a mindless weapon, a tool in their masters' quest for domination. "So now there are more questions, questions that you must answer. Who rules you, nomads? Do you answer to someone's will besides your own? Are you free to choose your path, or will the Volturi decide how you will live?

"I came to witness. I stay to fight. The Volturi care nothing for the death of the child. They seek the death of our free will."

To whom is Meyer actually referring to in this passage? Perhaps a real social commentary on a government that professes to only be interested in upholding the law but instead is more interested in upholding their power…

So the final scene leads us toward a fight. Trying to remember all the special vampire power was just about as difficult as remembering what all the X-Men did. Where’s Wolverine when you need him? However, Meyer does a good job of placing most of the action around Bella and her transformation from the protected to the protector.

The emotional high of the book comes when all hope is lost, and Bella gives Reneesme to Jacob so that he can get her out of harm’s way. Those fake birth certificates are packed into a backpack along with thousands of dollars on Reneesme’s back. Bella tells Jacob:

I stretched up on my toes and whispered into his ear. "Wait until they're totally distracted, then run with her. Get as far from this place as you possibly can. When you've gone as far as you can on foot, she has what you need to get you in the air."

Meyer surely wouldn’t let the story end this way, right? Bella and Edward slaughtered and only Jacob and Reneesme make it out alive. Time for the…

Deus Ex Machina

So Alice shows back up, unsurprisingly. She happens to have another half-breed with her, who is able to convince the Volturi that Reneesme is not a threat. They leave, and we get our happily ever after.

Finality

I don’t really want to speak too much more on the ending of this book. I thought it was by far the best part, which puts me at odds with most of the girls I know who read the series. It seemed that for two thousand pages, we were steeped in a story that served no other purpose than for our main characters to be more in love while having to overcome minor obstacles which only served to help them be more in love.

In Breaking Dawn we finally get meaning. This is no longer a thirteen-year old’s wet dream. You feel despair when Alice leaves. You know it’s very sad for Bella to have to meet with J. Jenks to make arrangements for her daughter’s safety. Garret’s speech poignantly reveals the Volturi for who they are. Bella makes the arc from helpless girl to the main component of success. Our characters actually believe this is the end. Now we’re not talking about a love story, but a true conflict between a family held together by love and a group held together by a shared lust for power. The separation of the good and the evil.

Final Grade: A (It would have been an A+, but the tedious length and the obtuse use of “deus ex machina” cost it points)

Final Thought: So much was made about whether or not Edward or any of the other vampires had “souls.” Is this enough of an opening for us to expect more in the Twilight universe from Stephanie Meyer?

This pretty much sums up my feelings about this drivel...

Click on the image to see full size. I don't know if I will be able to bring myself to review this book. Right now, I am about 1/3 of the way through Breaking Dawn and I will think about reviewing this after I am done.

Continuing Insanity, or, Phases of New Moon

Argument

The last installment of this series attempted to explain how a seemingly normal (although my wife would challenge me being “normal”) guy would be compelled to enter the tween land of Twilight, and all of the fun that entailed. This installment won’t deal as much with the devilish claw of Stephanie Meyer reaching out of the pages of a book and clutching your throat and twisting and choking you and casting you down into the fiery pits of vampire hell, causing you to behave in seemingly insane ways. No, this review won’t discuss all of the ludicrous behavior reading this series makes you partake in (staying up late to read, reading while you’re being paid to work, etc). No, I will try to keep this review of New Moon succinctly in line with a discussion of the events of the book, and an ordinary reader’s reaction.

Waxing Crescent

New Moon picks up more or less right where Twilight left off. After the confrontation with James (for some reason this happened in Phoenix, AZ), Bella and Edward find themselves back in Forks, just living the dream. Our favorite vampire Edward continues to spend every night with Bella. Edward’s ability to charm cougar administrators at school leads to Bella and Edward sharing every class together, usually sitting in the back and quibbling over who loves who more all day at school.

Our Bella is close to turning eighteen and Alice (by far the best and most reasonable character in the series) throws Bella a big romp at Cullen Manor. Well, wouldn’t you know it, we’re in need of a plot moving device. Obviously, it’s not going to be rainbows and butterflies for EC and Bella. Bella cuts her finger on wrapping paper, Jasper goes for the jugular, Edward tackles him, and Bella is back to moping around.

All of the trials and tribulations that have happened over the last 500 pages have been overcome by our characters. This one, for some reason (hint, hint, we are in desperate need of a plotline), is too much for EC to handle, and he feels he must break it off with Bella.

So Edward, how about you and Bella have a very serious discussion about how you both need to be more careful and take extra precautions when you’re around the family? That would probably work. I am thinking maybe a 30-45 minute discussion would suffice. Oh, wait, we need a plot. OK, why do you go ahead and lead her out into the woods, tell her you’ll never see her again, and put her in a catatonic state on the forest floor with no one around. Yes, that sounds much more reasonable, not to mention, we’ve got our plot!

Then we get five or six pages that remind us of the order that months go in our calendar: October, November, December, January, etc…

First Quarter

Enter douchebag werewolf, stage right. I would like to sum up the next 250 pages with a haiku:

I love you, Bella

Vampires are poopy

You belong with me.

The poem above was more riveting than the middle 250 pages of this book.

Waxing Gibbous

Bella jumps off a cliff. Silly Alice sees this as a suicide attempt. Our Edward finds out and decides to off himself too. That’s right Bella, if you kill yourself, I will kill myself back. Don’t try to one-up me, bitch.

Jokes aside, by this point, I really was feeling strong empathy for these characters. The whole book, while boring, kept you intrigued because you were just begging for Bella and Edward to reunite. At this point, we enter the best 100 pages of the entire series. Edward really believes Bella is dead and his pain is great enough to end his own life. A suitable homage to Romeo and Juliet. Bella travels with Alice to Volterra, Italy, to show EC that she’s still alive.

I was taken by the scene of Bella running across the palazzo to Edward. I also thought it was a nice touch for Edward to believe he was dreaming when he sees Bella, but I was hoping for a little m ore dramatic of a reunion. It would have been more powerful if EC had been screaming “Please let this be real!”

We also get to learn about the Volturi. Meyer does an excellent job lending credibility to her story be creating a surprisingly engaging history of the oldest vampires on earth. We learn about each vampire’s power, and of their only rule: don’t reveal yourself. I honestly have nothing snide to say about this whole section of the book.

The Volturi agree to let Bella and Edward leave if Edward promises to make Bella into a vampire. He agrees, and they’re let off the hook. As they leave, a group of tourists including an old woman wearing a Rosary enter the Volturi chamber to become food for the vampires. I was honestly horrified by this. Well done, Steph. The contrast between the evil Volturi and the peaceful Cullen Coven leads to that much more empathy with what Carlisle has created with his family. You don’t get a feeling for just how good the Cullens are until you see just how bad “other” vampires are.

Full Moon

Edward and Bella make it back to Forks, they’re in love again, and we come up to one of the best lines in all the series. “I wish someone had been there to vote “no” for me.”

Edward asks Bella to marry him, and she says yes, even though her womanly desires for that granite manhood make it hard for her to resist. Also, that pesky werewolf is still around. Hey Jacob, you’re nothing but a plot device and nobody likes you, please leave.

Last Quarter

This book was good. If not for that douchebag werewolf and the 250 pages of nothingness and filler, it would have been better than good. Unfortunately, Meyer insists on making a 250 page story into a 500 page one, and it collapses under it’s own weight.

Final Grade: A-

Final Thought: Meyer shows promise, but fails due to the fact that she refuses to let the two best characters share the stage enough. Think of The Dark Knight. The best scenes of that movie are when the Joker and Batman are on screen together. The same goes for this book, but there simply wasn’t enough stage time for Edward and Bella together.

Thoughts on Twilight, or, A Mid-Twenties Professional Enters the Realm of the Tween.

Thoughts on Twilight, or, A Mid-Twenties Professional Enters the Realm of the Tween.


Argument

I stood by powerless and watched my wife be quickly and surreptitiously consumed by a series of books by a graduate of Brigham Young dealing with a young, bratty, “people just don’t understand me,” girl, Bella, fall in love with a much too attractive, much too charming, and much too old vampire named Edward. Her friends didn’t help with my wife’s obsession, either. I can recall a great unnamed friend warn her, “It will take over your soul.” Even my wife resisted at first, but to no avail.

This is the story of how and why I allowed myself to be sucked into the hype, and how I emerged.

So what would compel a person with a Y chromosome, a professional in his mid-twenties, to pick up “Twilight” and begin reading? Simple, I ran out of other things to read. The “O” magazine my wife seems to never finish didn’t look to appealing, and once I finished the Vonnegut novel I was reading, I needed something to read before I went to sleep at night, so I peered under the bed and found the paperback book, complete with Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart on the cover, and began to read.

First Thoughts

Twenty pages into the book, my first impression was simply how unabashedly juvenile this novel was. I hadn’t read anything with such a childish voice since R.L. Stein in junior high. This book had all the right elements to attract tween-age girls: a girl from a broken home who never thought she was pretty in a new school, a way-too-cute and mysterious boy that seems to want to avoid her at first, and a new school where “nobody understands me!”

Bella, for having such a poor self-image, sure does not lack attention from other high school boys. A couple of throwaway male (unfortunately human) characters vie for her attention, however, she is too preoccupied with her “no one gets me, I am depressed, sorrow fills my soul” psyche to give any of them a chance. Even a line from our buddy Edward Cullen later reaffirms this: “You didn’t hear the thoughts of every other guy at school the first day you were here…”

So we have the proverbial powder-keg of a situation: a low self-esteemed girl finds herself in biology lab with nothing but a fucking Bunsen burner between here and a fucking vampire (to be referred to as “EC” throughout the rest of the study…)



Plot, or Lack Thereof

One thing leads to another, and now our Bella and EC are slammin’ (not really, but don’t you wish they would get it the eff over with already?), and the plot spirals into the “I love you more,” “No, I love you more” love obsession between Bells and Easy-C. This isn’t just love obsession, it’s mad teenage love. Pay no mind to the fact that our E-to-the-C is one-hundred and fucking nine years old, he speaks with all the maturity of his 17 year old body. I honestly was expecting a little more polish and refinement from our friendly “vegetarian” vampire, but no such luck. He matches Bella for the maturity award, “tomorrow, it’s my turn to ask the questions!” Honestly, I was hoping he could leverage his earthly experience into some good pick up lines or something. “You’re the opposite of ordinary” just doesn’t do it for me…

Even more frustrating, every kiss our main characters shared was followed with Bella’s “I’m dreaming,” or “I shivered with pleasure,” or “I just came,” etc… This was tiresome, and I found myself skipping whole paragraphs at a time simply because nothing was actually happening. Honestly, how many “sleepover” scenes do we need? Not to mention, Bella continues to act like a spoiled brat. And who is the real loser in all of this? Her dad, Charlie, who has to deal with this shit on a daily basis.

Why would Edward put up with her bullshit? Oh yeah, she smells nice…. I’m sure Bella takes comfort in the fact that Edward can overlook her being a complete bitch because she smells nice. But this does call something into question, where would Edward be if he wasn’t drawn to her blood? I can’t say for sure, but I would have to assume it wouldn’t be at her house all night watching her sleep. (Not to mention, her quick latching onto Jacob in the second book reminds me of that famous line from Wedding Crashers, “We’ve got a stage-five clinger!”) No, without E-Cizzle, Bella Swan would be Bella that emo bitch that no one likes at school.

Now We’re Getting Somewhere

Three hundred pages without a plot finally gave way to a surprisingly interesting history and suspenseful turn of events. Vegetarian vampires don’t fit well into the classic vampire ethos, but Meyer redeems herself by introducing new, carnivorous vampires that aren’t at all pleased with the way the Cullen clan likes to do things. This is where the novel finally breaks itself out of R.L. Stein-land, and actually becomes intriguing due to the plot, not the love story.

I found the history of each of the vampires compelling and interesting to read about. The idea of a coven of vampires living together is an old idea, but compelling nonetheless. At first their vegetarianism seemed silly, but learning about the patriarch’s (Carlisle) struggle against who he was actually lent some credibility to the concept. Not to mention, each of the Cullen family members has a history, and their having to deal with their nature causes you to truly root for them. What Carlisle has built is actually pretty fascinating – reminiscent of Louis (Brad Pitt’s character) in The Interview with the Vampire. In the second book, we get to hear the most intelligent line in the whole series. Bella asks the Cullen family to “vote” on whether or not to make her a vampire. One of the Cullen children, Rosalie votes no, but offers her explanation:

“Let me explain," she pleaded. "I don't mean that I have any aversion to you as a sister. It's just that… this is not the life I would have chosen for myself. I wish there had been someone there to vote no for me.”

This is what we need more of in this series.

Eventually, we find our characters in a predicament of having to deal with a carnivorous vampire, James, who obviously is overcompensating for something and must prove his manhood (vampirehood?) by eating EC’s woman (by woman I mean 17-year old). For some reason, some strange decisions are made that that put our Bella in an overly complex and stupid situation. I felt like the vampires should have just rotated watch outside of Bella’s house for a month or so until they were able to find James and kill him, instead, for some reason, Bella is in Phoenix with Exta-C nowhere to be found. I am reminded by the famous line by Dr. Evil, “I have an even better idea. I'm going to place him in an easily escapable situation involving an overly elaborate and exotic death.”

Jokes aside, I was really rooting for Bella on this one. Our antagonist, James, pulls the trickeroo on our vampire that can apparently see the future and lures Bella away. He goes into the classic “Let me explain my plot before killing you” villain diatribe, and Edward busts in and kills him. Unfortunately, Stephanie Meyer doesn’t let us revel in this vampire-vampire combat, opting to not describe a single thing. I would have enjoyed a nice “Edward clutched James’s throat and ripped his head off” or “Edward caught his swinging arm and fucking bit if off with his vampire teeth!” verbiage…

Endgame

The book was good. The characters were compelling, and I finished the entire thing in about four sittings. Typically, the only reason you would ever read that fast is when you actually care about what’s happening to the book’s characters. For all of it’s R.L. Stein-ness, I still was rooting for Bella and Edward to make it through. All I wish is that we could have had more vampire history and less meaningless love dialogue between the characters. I can’t even remember what was going on for the middle 200 pages, but what I do remember is the Cullen family history and the fight with the “bad” vampires. I wish Meyer would have opted to make a more action-driven, rather than mad-teenage-love-driven novel, because some of the main pieces were in place to make this novel really good. Seriously, wouldn’t it be awesome to read about EC going completely vampire ape-shit and cutting some bitches up? In the end, though, it was weighed down by the swooning of its too main characters.

Far be it for me to criticize Meyer on this. The book is obviously directed at the tweens of America, not the mid-twenty power professionals like me.

Final Grade: B-
Final Thought: Much better than I anticipated, but I am not holding my breath for the Pulitzer on this one…

Great Quote

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it, and then misapplying the wrong remedies.

~Groucho Marx